Like they say in those ads: “It’s whatever o’clock. Do you know where your kids are?” Except “it’s the end of October, do you have a Halloween costume?” I’m hugely keen on Halloween, and I think everyone should dress up, regardless of preparation or desire. So, if you’ve got a costume party coming up and find yourself sadly lacking in costumage, never fear—Marie is here!

My third Halloween. I figure that between me dressed as a rabbit and my mother's glasses, our dork cancels out.

Frappucino, or other fancy coffee-type drink

For this one you’ll need an outfit in varying shades of brown and cream, preferably sleeveless. It would also be best if you sort of gradiated up, colour-wise, with the darker browns on the bottom, and the lighter cream colours on top. You know, like a coffee drink. Using a permanent marker, have someone else draw the little drink marker boxes on your arm. Label them as you see fit. Take the marker with you and check things off as you go. Also, feel free to grab some free drink stirrers and what not from Starbucks and stick them in your hair.

Eclipse

This one is super easy. In fact, I came up with it about 12 minutes before going out for Halloween last year, and executed it in about 3. All you need is a little black dress (or outfit, for the dudes), and some black make-up. Put on your black clothes, and then fill in a partial black circle on your face. I’d recommend curving it so it covers your eyes and nose, but not your mouth. You’ll look pretty creepy. Just try not to touch your face. When I did this, towards the end of the night someone asked me if I was supposed to be a burn victim. When I looked in a mirror, I realized why.

Queen Amidala on Hoth

For those of you that live in crazy-cold climates and will have to spend time outside in your costume. This basically consists of a snowsuit and some Queen Amidala make-up. If anyone asks, tell them you got lost on your way to Tatooine and landed on Hoth instead. You’ll need something to make your face white (liberal amounts of baby powder will work in a pinch), something to make your lips white (ditto to the baby powder), and some red lipstick. Use Google Images to find yourself a make-up guide.

Climber Suffering from Hypothermia

For this one, it’s best if you have some friends or family with some old mountaineering equipment they’ll let you borrow. Basically, just suit up in some old mountaineering equipment, and then make yourself look like you have hypothermia with some make-up. You can check out the end of Titanic or this girl’s work for some ideas. Some baby powder, blue eyeshadow, and blush will probably let you do something somewhat convincing-ish.

Jimmy Buffett

Easy peasy. All you need is a Hawaiian print shirt, some khaki shorts, a baseball hat, a beer bottle, and the lyrics to Margaritaville. If you want to get serious about this, do some research and decide what era of Buffett you want to be. If you have an epic ‘stache, definitely go for 70’s era Buffett.

Guest to the Royal Wedding

For this one, you’ll need an old ladies power suit (Value Village for the win!) and a crazy stupid hat for your head. The more ridiculous, the better. If you want to poke some real fun, an actual toilet seat for a hat would be brilliant.

Chuck Testa

A quick trip to the Army surplus store will have you set for this, assuming you don’t already own an army green t-shirt, some jeans, and an army-style cap. Just carry a stuffed animal of some variety around with you all evening, saying “I bet you thought this Winnie the Pooh was alive! Nope! Chuck Testa!”

Ironic Hipster

All you need for this is a friend or family member who is one or two sizes smaller than you. Borrow a v-neck t-shirt and some skinny jeans. Top off with some glasses that your parents wore in the early 80’s and a scarf, and then part your hair so far to the side that you appear to have a comb-over. Try to include plaid and some slipper-type shoes. Skinny ties, saggy topped toques, American Apparel hoodies in bright colours, buttons, shoulder bags covered in buttons, and fedoras are also acceptable accessories. To emphasize the irony, try doing all of these things. If possible, ride a single-gear bike with a wicker basket around. Bonus points if no one knows what gender you are.

A “Real” Housewife

I can proudly and honestly declare that I’ve never seen any of those “Real Housewives of Blah Blah Blah” shows, but every so often a cast photo pops onto my radar and makes me shudder. I’m quite confident that you could go as one of them for Halloween armed with nothing more than a trashy dress and drag queen make-up. Or image search “plastic surgery gone wrong” for ideas.

Steve Jobs

Black turtleneck, Apple product. Perhaps a nude shower cap if you’re particularly head-hair wealthy. Go.

If you use any of these ideas I’d love it if you send me a photo of the end product! If you’re ok with it, I’ll even share the photo in my next entry.

What are you going to be this year?

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