Welcome to my annual “things I learned” post—and the last one of this decade (the first one was in 2012)! This piece of introspection and sharing is one of my favourite posts each year. The affection is not only for the reflection and distillation this post allows me, but also (equally) for the discussion in the comments, where you share the things that you’ve learned this year and offer further lessons. It’s wonderful. This year has been full of changes; another (unexpected) move; new friendships; wonderful music discovered; many books read; a few mountains climbed; loves found, lost, and grown; and many days and nights of great food and drink with wonderful company. I’ve learned a lot and grown a lot in the face of some very painful and surprising upsets and challenges. It’s been a doozy. Here’s what I’ve learned:
Taking the time to put myself together on a mostly daily basis is really important for my mental health. Taking half an hour to shower, get dressed, do my hair, and put on some makeup makes me feel like a more complete, more productive human. While I love lazing around in pyjamas, doing it all day, every day, leads to me feeling gross.
Don’t sacrifice your happiness to change the world. The world might not change, care, or appreciate it, and then what? Don’t make the worth of your life’s work contingent on the approval and appreciation of others. Maybe what makes you happy will change the world, and maybe it won’t, but don’t spend your one life doing something you hate just because you think it will change the world.
Trauma is a funny thing. Sometimes you don’t realize it happened (or how deeply it impacted you) for months or years afterward when something flares up.
Pick your battles, and realize you will feel some things are completely battle-worthy but are un-winnable or not worth the expense (money, energy, effort, etc.).
Unused supplies for creative endeavors (fabric, ingredients, paper, whatever) can start to feel like a burden to me; a previously agreed-to commitment that I no longer want to be a part of.
In the past, I’ve read mostly non-fiction, but I started reading more fiction this year and I’m so glad I did. I really appreciate the alternate and enhanced perspectives it lends to my daily life. Here’s a few I’ve enjoyed this year:
- Less: A Novel by Andrew Sean Greer
- The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert
- The Tattooist of Auschwitz: A Novel by Heather Morris (not fiction, but a wonderful novel)
- The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson
- The Wife: A Novel by Meg Wolitzer
- Runaway by Alice Munro
- Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison by Piper Kerman
- Amy and Isabelle: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
- All the Light We Cannot See: A Novel by Anthony Doerr
- Olive Kitterage by Elizabeth Strout
- Anything is Possible: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
- My Name Is Lucy Barton: A Novel by Elizabeth Strout
Check-in with yourself regularly—how are you? Are you happy? Try to avoid being blindsided by unhappiness so massive you feel like the only thing to do is give up and run away.
Compliment others readily. It’s free and fun!
I need trees and greenery in my general surroundings.
Moving still sucks, even if you’re moving on to something better.
Avoid recliner-type furniture unless you absolutely love recliners because they are heaaaaaaavy.
When a trauma is fresh I cannot acknowledge it with anything other than a panic response. It’s like a monster in the corner that I can’t look at or even think about, and if I do I descend into terror almost immediately. As time passes I can start to sneak glances at it, and then I can start to think about it a little bit here or there—though it’s almost guaranteed I will look too long at some point in time and backslide. With more time I can look at it for longer and longer, starting to find serenity and distance so I can calmly examine the trauma from all angles without panic clouding my judgment. When I am in that fresh trauma time I am an absolute disaster.
I think anxiety worsens as I age because the youthful cloud of “sure, bad things can happen, but not to me” fades away as bad things start to happen to me and the people I love.
Buy second hand wherever possible. Especially for furniture.
If you approach situations & interactions with anger you are significantly more likely to get anger back.
Just because the story in your head makes sense doesn’t mean it’s true. The conviction that you’re right, no matter how deeply held, has no bearing on the reality of any situation.
Sometimes people will just hate you.
A friend who watches another friend mistreat you and doesn’t want to “take sides” is taking sides… and they aren’t your friend.
Call-out culture seems to be here to stay, and I’m not a fan. At best, calling somebody out in public for a factual error is rude—it’s rarely helpful. Embarrassing somebody is almost never going to result in them changing their minds or their ways, or doing further research. If you aspire to teach, it’s even worse. Publically calling attention to somebody for not knowing the things you know is a poor way to attempt to teach others.
Take advantage of long layovers to get poutine.
High waisted pants/shorts/skirts are pretty dang awesome.
Clip up curls while they cool so they last longer.
Always travel with a spork.
Maybe I can keep house plants alive? I sure like them.
Organizing a thrift shop by colour is incredibly stupid.
I bought a clothing steamer and it is wonderful.
I throw out far too much food and I need to be better about eating what I buy and buying things I’ll actually eat.
I’ve been doing intermittent fasting for about a year now, and it seems to be working well for me. I’m certainly not going to declare it’s the perfect solution for everyone, everywhere, but I mostly like it and the flexibility it allows.
Picking at pimples and other skin imperfections NEVER HELPS. WHY DON’T I LEARN!? Even the smallest amount of scratching will leave a red patch that will last for hours. Squeeze something with determination? That’s likely to invent a problem even if there wasn’t one there before, and that can turn into an abused wound that lingers for a week. AGGGGGGH.
Thrifting while travelling is great fun!
American Costco kinda blows Canadian Costco out of the water.
Portable hard drives may be called “portable”, but they really shouldn’t be moved all that much. RIP my data 😭
There is no end of incorrect/bad information in the world. Attempting to police & call it out has the potential to be a black hole of time, effort, and emotional energy.
Apparently meditation is great, but it is also hard.
Lottie (my dog) will always want to go out so she can come back in again.
I love full grain leather furniture. Swoon. It warms up with you and is like sitting in a giant upholstered hug.
I’m not sure I’m on board with the weighted blanket thing. I thought I would be, and I have one, but most nights I end up throwing it on the floor and/or ending up in a middle-of-the-night weightlifting session with the thing as I try to drag it back onto the bed as it tries to flumpf onto the floor.
Take the time to appreciate small, wonderful things that people do, and tell them you appreciate those things.
Err on the side of less dye-setting time rather than more when dying one’s hair.
Isododecane is fabulous for breathing new life into anhydrous brow gels, liquid lipsticks, and eyeliners.
I cannot be trusted with a Costco-sized box of those super tasty Biscoff cookies.
If you can, go visit Frank Llyod Wright’s Fallingwater.
I don’t think Cab Savs are my kind of wine.
I’ve gotten a lot better at lighting fires and keeping them going in my fireplace! I’ve sorted out a kind of “taco” method and it works beautifully.
Sometimes purging/minimalizing/decluttering possessions can be great… but sometimes it can be a thing I do as a last-ditch “make me happy” thing when I am otherwise unhappy, and excess stuff is not the thing that is making me unhappy, so purging it isn’t really going to help things. Learn to recognize the difference.
I really wish I’d taken the time to learn how to do my hair in high school because then I’d be really good at it now. The learning curve is steep, but thank heavens for YouTube tutorials!
Ambient humidity is so dang fantastic for my skin. I can apply five different hydrating layers as part of my morning and evening skincare routines in Calgary and run a humidifier on high 24/7, but no amount of putting wet things on my face can measure up to just being somewhere more humid for a couple of days.
I’ve been working on developing/refinding some sort of personal style this past year. I’m definitely not “done”, but I’m having a lot of fun and I feel like I’ve made some great progress.
Ok; those are my lessons! What did you learn this year?
Happy New Year. You have created an amazing world. I always smile when I see your emails arrive. Happy for you Marie.
Thank you so much, Lisa! ❤️
You are so great! Have a healthy and happy new year. Thank you for all you do. I can’t imagine that people hate so hard that you wrote it in italics, but f’ ’em. Haters gon’ hate. Don’t be like them is my top lesson! Love myself is the next one.
<3 from Toronto!
I’m 100% on board with your top lesson! ‘ef ’em, indeed, ha. Happy New Year!
Love you, Marie!
Your generous enthusiasm is heartwarming.
The very best wishes from Belgium!
Thanks so much, Greet! Happy New Year 🙂
I learned a lot this year. Too many things to list, which is a great thing. I just wanted to say this was a great article. Thank you for sharing!
That’s wonderful! I hope the learnings weren’t too painful 🙂 Thanks for reading and Happy New Year!
I will always now travel with a spork. Seriously thanks Marie for a wonderful 2019. Your generosity in sharing your knowledge and your journey is inspiring!
And remember for that humidity you can always come back and visit Queensland, Australia! Hint hint.
You never know when you’ll need one! I risked travelling without one for Christmas and ended up eating pumpkin pie like a slice of pizza in the boarding lounge LOL. It worked out much better than a pasta dish would’ve, but I still wished I’d had that spork! 😛
I’m sure I’ll be back in Aus at some point, but probably not anytime too soon given I was just there last year 🙂 I so wish I could teleport!
Marie, you are an asset to this world. Wish I could have a real-life friend like you!
Thank you so much, Eva! 🙂
Beautiful Marie (and I mean beautiful in every way), you are inspiration and like others have said here, your emails make me smile and cheer me up during a bad week. All those who you perceive hate you, shame on them! I can’t imagine a reason why. I am a lot like you in that I love and give to others, always try to smile and make someone’s day. I have learned those who seem to “hate” don’t do so because of anything YOU said or did, but because they feel jealous, threatened by you or your knowledge, or just insecure and actually hate themselves or wish they were where you are. I do my best to keep smiling, be the best “me” I can be, and realize I can’t be everything to everyone. It’s not your fault that they can’t respond appropriately to their own inadequacies. I, too suffer from anxiety. I have quelled the majority of it by letting go of what I can’t control and that’s most everything…realizing that this very painful moment in time will pass and I will come out STRONGER on the other side. I love and so appreciate you, happy and blessed new year from your Arizona DIY follower
Thank you so much for your insightful and kind words of wisdom, Lin <3 "Realizing that this very painful moment in time will pass and I will come out STRONGER on the other side" = TRUTH. I find I can now look back at some things that I know would've really flustered/terrified/upset me in the past and now they barely register. Strength and resilience is hard-won but so worth it.
And thank you so much for your support through the years! I appreciate it immensely 🙂
Me too Marie!
I think the most important lesson I’ve learned this year is that no matter how many skills I gather and how much effort I put into making the world a better place, ultimately kindness tops the list. I say that as both an offerer and a recipient. As an offerer, I may be rebuffed or considered naive much of the time, but the times it matters make up for that. And as a recipient, I can say that nothing is as effective in opening my heart and mind as kindness and compassion. Thanks for saying boldly how harmful and ineffective hatred, and even indifference, can be.
Thank you so much for sharing, Marie. You have a beautiful heart and I always find your work so uplifting and inspiring. I can’t stand all the bullying that aromatherapists and natural formulators do to each other online, and I’m really sorry to hear that you may have been one of the people effected by it, even if it was just seeing others being bullied for perceived mistakes. Thank you for not letting the bullies win, by discouraging you! I’ve paid for five or more courses which I just don’t have the motivation to finish because of all of the cruel, relational aggression between people in the field. Thank you for speaking out on the toxic nature of this culture and persevering so that those of us who love natural formulating and aromatherapy will have some uplifting, and heart opening associations to balance the toxic ones. Happy New Year!
Thank you so much, AK 🙂 I completely agree with you re: the bullying/shaming that happens in this space (and everywhere, really… sigh). It is so disheartening. I’m also not a fan of “politics”, but dangit, they seem utterly inescapable. By simply existing and perhaps preferring one method over another or sharing something in one way rather than another… suddenly you’re in one camp or another without meaning to be. Can’t we all just make stuff and have fun? Thanks for DIYing with me, thank you for your support, and happy making 🙂
Happy New Year Marie. I love your newsletter and videos. Your “Things I learned in 2019” was very thoughtful and inspiring. My favorite part of the New years are the opportunity to be reflective on what went well and what could use improvement. My goal is to always work on making a better version of myself. People come and go in your life but you are always there, you need to be happy and proud of yourself.
Happy New Year
Thank you so much, Jennifer! You are so very right—we are our only constant companions in life and it’s so important we take care of that person 🙂 Happy New Year!
Marie, I can’t thank you enough for this unbelievably inspiring post. You have given me a great deal of food for thought. You are truly an amazing young woman and my admiration for you increases as time goes by. I understand being compassionate and loving but one other thing you said really opened my eyes. Perhaps I’d forgotten that behind a radiant smile and cheerful demeanour can lie sorrow, heartbreak and tears. We must learn to be more aware and prepared to help. I’m also excited to see all of the new and amazing projects you will be surprising us with in 2020. Keep up the great work. You are truly appreciated.
Thank you so much, Gayle—I’m so glad you enjoyed it and it gave you some food for thought 🙂 Thank you for all your support this past year, and I look forward to 2020!
Dear Marie, TFL!!DFR!!
This year I learned that I’m totally willing to commit to an ass-clown stance & see it ALL the way through to its pathetic, yet inevitable end.
But also, that I am capable of stating, in all seriousness, here & now, that there are NO ways, NO how, to compose ANY frickin formula on the basis of a 250% scale, fuhPete’ssake!
Any greenies, listen up, I’ve been here long enough to know better! Just use the damn 100% format/template/model. There is NO VALUE WHATSOEVER in trying to change it!
(& Marie, I’m sorry for wasting your time & Barb’s & for any others who got screwed up in their thinking by that exchange, I am the most sorry. Although, I truly can’t imagine anyone else being as obtusely misaligned with the natural universe as yours truly..)
Finally, choked down that feathered mess! Ahem.
So, I look forward to this post of yours the most every year! I’ve only been with you since 2015-16, but I recall being blown away then & each year since! Every year, I get more proud & possessive of you.
First, as previously stated, I am so proud of you carving this Marie-shaped niche, then working your butt off to brilliantly fill it! I think probably that most of the chicks who compliment you on this feat admire you so much for it because its exactly what they’d do if they could figure out their niche &/or had the balls to stride forth & do the same!
Re: trauma..good girl! Best description I’ve read/heard for processing same. One can really ONLY even just acknowledge! it! from the PERIPHERY. At least initially.
Two years ago, we rented a room to a close friend who, after living in harmony for like, 2 years, with us, posted a note on FB, took all her prescribed medication for that month at once, downed half a bottle of a crappy merlot & locked her door before laying down for her last nap.
A friend called, we knocked, got no response, broke the door in, & screaming hysterically the entire time (b/c our friend was still kinda warm, but unquestionably dead), pulled her off the bed, onto the floor, & still non-stop-screaming (except when doing reps), began & continued CPR until she was back with us while my husband called 911. I also decked her like a hundred times (I’m convinced that & the screaming was what saved her life, not so much my sloppy CPR). Luckily for all, the EMTs arrived & drove her away, securely alive as vs tentatively so.
My husband & I were so rocked by this, we did not allow her to move back in, but insisted she get some in-house help.
I won’t share how long that trauma sang its monstrous dread through every moment, how every breath seemed startled out of me, how every.single.trusted.thing.became another chance for life to yank rugs & we’d again be suddenly somewhere that was all death, & only if lucky, life. From normal to nutso in half a heartbeat.
Whatever your trauma was like, I wish you all the strength you’ve ever wanted, prayed for, & that I know (& I’m a stranger!) that you hold within, in spades! Before you know it (after that first eternity), it’ll be in your rearview mirror.
You are always such an absolute joy to me, as a fellow human. My proud heart is full to bursting watching your phenomenal progress & accompanying you on your journey of learning-(excepting the 250% thing: all me, all wrong; you tried to tell me..)
I know I always write problematic novelettes..I generously (to myself) figure that so rarely do I write, that it just must be OK! Yeah? Yes!
Have an exquisitely lovely whatever (I can never recall Canada’s peculiar holidays!).. (jk)..but mostly, just be Marie, in all her elegant, understated, hiding her ginormous spotlight under many insufficient bushels, because you are past the point of finding any good bushels, Marie, you’ll have to settle for crappy, non-light-covering ones.
You are such a stunner, Lady! Keep rocking this world with your sweet generosity & your depths of profound strength & savage ferocity, concealed seamlessly beneath a genteel, endless GRACE, which suffuses all you do with the bright Love of God & your good heart.
Love, suki
A very comprehensive list Marie. Sounds like it was definitely another year of growing for you. For me, I re-learned that travel, and particularly the outdoors, really does rejuvenate my soul and I should incorporate this into my life as much as I can. I also learned that not everything can be categorized as black and white. And a last learning was that I will not thrive in all situations or environments, and that it’s perfectly okay (no, perfectly necessary) to pivot to something more suitable for me.
Thank you for your insights Marie. I love your honesty and willingness to share. You could also be an author, you write so well I have started the Formula Botanica course this year which i love, love, love. A possible new career path for me. You have been a constant source of inspiration, knowledge &, of course, wonderful recipes. My personal challenges in 2019 have been a marriage separation, new job, a mortgage & studying cosmetic formulation ! Why not change everything at once eh Much love & blessings to you for 2020 – coming at you from NZ
Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ I’m hoping to be in NZ later this year, though everything feels very up in the air right now. Stay safe!
Gosh, such honesty and openness – a breath of fresh air!
Love Love Love your encyclopaedia, so helpful, thank you!
Thank you so much, Karen! <3
You are so perfectly adorable Marie, even in hardship you are adorable & so appreciated. I just turned 74 the other day and the 2 words that have helped me the most are AND and Allow. In the AND when things seem sucky, I know it’s just a facet of the whole, and not the whole. Yeah that sucked but not everything sucked & not everything about that sucky thing, actually sucked. Now when whatever strikes, I breathe into it, feel it’s essence and just allow it as part of my world of AND. Wishing you the BEST 2020.
Thank you so much, Leslie ❤️ Your lessons are extra helpful/salient right now! Stay safe 🙂
I just found your blog recently and love it, as well as you! May your new year be profoundly blessed. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and life with all of us!
Thank you so much, Victoria! Happy New Year 🙂
I learned that making soaps and lotions is something I want to try because I have some people close to me that could really benefit from your recipes. Besides, I always love to learn how to create something new. I learned that there are some people I really enjoy learning from, and you’re top on the list because even though we will never meet, the way you write and the way you connect through your videos makes you feel like I’m having a conversation with a friend. I appreciate and respect your thoughts, and that you’re willing to open yourself up to the risk of the internet trolls just to share some of your inner self with those of us who care. It sounds like you’ve had a tumultuous 2019, so I’m wishing you a much better 2020. Thank you for being you, and sharing so much of your time and energy!
Thank you for how much you give of yourself to others. I detect some pain this year. I hope that 2020 is kinder to your heart and soul. Happy New Year!
Thank you so much, Sarah! I hope for the same thing 🙂 It’s looking good so far 😛
Thank you so much for all your wonderful sharing Marie. I really really appreciate you and all you do for us. I got your book in the mail yesterday and it’s exactly what I was looking for. I love it! Wishing you a wonderful new decade ahead xxx
Thank you so much, Karla! ❤️
Thank you for all that you do, all that you contribute and for how you are! Beyond your fabulous recipes, your thorough research, your way of teaching and inspiring, I appreciate how you show up in the world, in all of your facets. I love learning from you! Your year-end post was full of deliciousness and wisdom. Your words about trauma were especially wise. And your photographs are beautiful! Thank you!
Thank you so much, Sheri! 🙂
Thanks so much for all the great info this year! I really enjoy your yearly post of things learned.
I do have one question on the last video I saw on youtube. You say about not using some old lavender EO because you are afraid of the sensitization from them. What do you mean by this?
I have not heard this before, but I have been having problems using the lip balms I use to use and make. I believe I am making it with all fresh stuff, but I will have to pay attention to this. It is causing my lips a skin around my lips to turn red and even peel. I am having some reaction to it. I was thinking it could be the peppermint or rose wax I use, but I am not sure. I am pretty much just using Vaseline at night which I am not a fan of but it works. I would love to know what you think.
I answered this question from you in one of the other places you asked it. Also, please give this a read 🙂
Sorry I did post it twice. I didn’t see a reply on that either. Not that you can possibly respond to all questions asked of you. I realize over time, and age, you can develop sensitivities. I just found it interesting that you say old EO can cause issues. That I did not know. And unfortunately I bought too much. Thanks for everything. I think it is awesome that you do answer questions.
Did you also ask on YouTube? I remember seeing this question 3 times and answering it once 🙂
You nailed it….KINDNESS, thank you
❤️
Hello Marie, just found you a week ago and i have been loving you videos. thank you for sharing you knowledge.
Thank you so much!
Happy New Year Marie!
lots of growing this past year, congrats! Life definitely gets better as we get older, at least for me it has.
Thanks, Monica!
Wonderful thoughts! Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much, Carolyne!
A very belated Happy new year Marie and thanks for all the cool stuff you’ve posted this year. I have a raft of bookmarks for items on Humblebee as I’ve had far too little time to make the stuff I wanted to. But your lemon chiffon hand cream has kept me sane throughout the year.
I think what I’ve learned this year (finally) is don’t be afraid to just BE who I am. I’m not the same as anyone else and I’m not supposed to be and it’s OK.
I already knew I couldn’t be trusted with any size pack of Biscoffi 🙂
Thank you, and what a downright awesome lesson 🙂 Thanks so much for sharing and DIYing with me!