A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook asking for resources to learn how to better apply her makeup. This friend is a lovely, radiant, confident young woman, so I was pretty irked when I saw over half the replies were some variation on “you look so much better without makeup!” and “you don’t need it! You’re beautiful without it!”. I assume these remarks were made with good intentions, but as somebody who has devoted a pretty large part of her recent life to cosmetics, I hear these sorts of things a lot, and I’m sick of it. Here’s why.
I’d like to kick this off by creating a bit of a metaphor; makeup is a lot like alcohol. It’s non-essential, but something a lot of people really enjoy. They can be particular about certain types (a certain vintage scotch, a certain eyeliner), and associate it with different types of events and seasons (champagne on New Year’s, bright lipstick in the summer). The use of these substances can be indicative of deeper problems (alcoholism, cripplingly low self-esteem), but in the vast majority of “users”, there is no sinister underlying cause; just enjoyment.
Imagine you told somebody about a great new beer or cocktail you’d recently tried, and instead of saying “that sounds delicious” or “we should go drink some together sometime”, they said “you know, you don’t need alcohol to be happy.” You are likely so well aware of this that it hadn’t even occurred to you; that’s not why you liked that beer. So, when the person you’re trying to share something you’re excited about with immediately assumes you have some sort of deep-seated problem with alcohol, well—that’s kind of insulting. You aren’t an alcoholic, you don’t use alcohol in excess to escape your life, so to have that be the primary assumption whenever you try to spread the news about the awesome new chocolate porter you tried last week… it’s upsetting. It sucks to realize that your friends think you have a substance problem with absolutely no evidence other than the fact that you enjoy alcohol and tried to share that enjoyment with them.
So, when an attempt to discuss makeup as something you enjoy is met with “you’re beautiful without it!”, it seems like that person assumes you are unhappy with way you look, have awful self-esteem, and are using makeup to bolster your self esteem and hide your perceived ugliness. Obviously pretty much nobody has so little tact as to say exactly that, so they attempt to pay you an awkward compliment in some sort of misguided attempt to address the “problem” they assume you have, simply because you want to improve your cat eye or bought (or made!) a wicked new lippy. And that’s just as insulting as somebody assuming you are an alcoholic because you happen to like scotch.
Also: makeup does, typically, make you look better (just like drinking alcohol does, typically, improve your mood—even if that’s not the sole reason you’re consuming it). When makeup is applied well, your complexion looks more even and radiant, and it’s virtually undetectable. So, when people assert you look better without it, that’s typically untrue, and often a bit ignorant. That person may not really care about (or notice) your blotchy complexion or that zit on your chin, but objectively speaking, and for the vast majority of people, makeup is improving the situation. To refer back to my friend on Facebook—it turns out one of the people telling her she was more beautiful without makeup had never actually seen her without it on, so what did they know? Perhaps they had visions of ham-it-up style stage makeup dancing in their head, but their ignorance was definitely showing with their whole “trust me, you look better without it” message.
The “trust me, I think you’re more beautiful without it” remark is perhaps even more irksome because it addition to the “I think you have awful self esteem” undercurrents, that remark says “my opinion about how you look matters more than your own”. Sod off. It’s as if I said “I’m going to make myself an egg salad sandwich for lunch” and you replied “egg salad is disgusting, trust me, you should have tuna instead”. I don’t care. It’s my lunch. I was no fan of Amy Winehouse’s crazy cat (mountain lion? It was seriously large!) eyeliner, but that was her thing, and more power to her. Whatever. My opinion is completely irrelevant in that situation, just as some Facebook friend who wants to tell me that they think I am more beautiful without makeup, that they think my pants are too bright of a colour, or that I’d look better with short hair. Nobody asked them. My body, my face, my style, my aesthetic. My egg salad sandwich.
I have a few theories as to why makeup is subjected to this sort of “you must have a problem” group-think. First off, it’s primarily a women’s interest, meaning a sizeable portion of the population doesn’t use makeup. If you don’t use makeup (or don’t enjoy using it), I can definitely see how it would look like a big chore—similar to how I view vehicle maintenance. Oil changes and the like are something I have no interest in doing and would rather pay somebody else to do. I do understand, however, that some people actually enjoy these activities, so saying something like “don’t you know you can pay somebody to do that for you?” is a really rude thing to say when somebody tells you excitedly that they’ve just changed their oil for the first time.
Another theory is that so much of cosmetic marketing is designed to prey on insecurities that it’s easy to start to think people with crippling insecurities are the only people who would be interested—that anybody with sturdier self esteem wouldn’t fall prey to such marketing crap. I’ve found that if you’re actually interested in makeup, many smaller (and/or premium) brands don’t market this way—it’s just the big ones that can afford to hire Olivia Wilde and airbrush her within an inch of her life, but those are the ones that are the most visible.
My grandmother’s generation (or my grandmother, at least) was very much of the “look good for your man” thought train—that you weren’t put together without lipstick and curls. That’s certainly not my generation, though. I think third wave feminism has introduced a bit of an over-correction in some ways. Many of the women on Sex in the City couldn’t cook and were proud of it, some women don’t shave their underarms, and some are proud of their inability/lack of desire to apply makeup. And that’s fine—if you don’t want to shave or wear eyeliner, don’t, but that doesn’t make you a “better” feminist than women that like cooking or lipstick. Don’t shame other women who have an interest in typically female activities. That doesn’t make them “bad” feminists. Feminism is about women being able to make their own decisions and having equal opportunities, whether that’s being a firefighter, a stay-at-home mom, an ad exec, or a lady with seriously on-point brows.
That’s not all of it, but I think those are the biggest reasons “you don’t need makeup” statements irk me. I KNOW I don’t need makeup, and I am not some lone, enlightened human in this realm. The vast majority of people who enjoy makeup know they don’t need it, too. We also don’t need flattering clothes, soft sheets, that pretty necklace, a pint of porter, or delicious chocolates, but when I talk about my love of chocolate, people don’t immediately tell me “don’t eat your feelings, there are healthier ways to deal with your emotions” (or at least if they do, most people recognize that’s a pretty douchey thing to say). Don’t shame people for enjoying something completely benign. A love of makeup does not equate a hatred of oneself!
Now, if you are thinking to yourself “hey, I’m just saying something nice! Don’t get your panties in such a twist, learn how to take a compliment!”, I would like to encourage you to start handing out compliments at more opportune times. If anybody has ever told you “you don’t need to lose weight, you look great!” right after you’ve turned down dessert, you know how insincere such “compliments” sound when they are so obviously inspired by the assumption you dislike something about yourself—like you were fishing for compliments, even though you weren’t. If somebody truly looks lovely, and you have a genuine compliment to pay, say so. Don’t wait until it’ll sound like you’re saying “I think you hate yourself and am throwing a pity compliment at you because I think you need it.”
I think it should go without saying that if you know somebody very well, and are truly worried about their self esteem, alcohol consumption, or that quantity of egg salad they consume, please say something. Address it in a genuine, concerned way, in a non-public forum. That is what true friends are for.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts on telling people they “don’t need” makeup. What do you think? Have you said similar things to friends or family members? What were your intentions? How do you feel when people say something similar to you?
Just on the headline alone: preach!
Thanks, Kathie! I can’t believe that this is somehow controversial LOL; I’ve already had a few readers get mad at me over this! Like… what? 😛
Now that I’ve finally found time to read it, bravo again! My other main interest is in weight lifting. I get that that’s not typical, but no one’s (unfounded) concern that I might get “bulky” ::eye roll:: mater’s. And no, you don’t get to suggest I stop doing something I enjoy and is actually good for me because of your concern that you might not find the appearance of my body pleasing. Sod off. My body, my enjoyment, my preference, my choices.
Great article. Absolutely great!
Thanks, Kathie! Your weight lifting story is absolutely bang on, and really goes to illustrate just how much other people feel their opinions about the appearance of others matters. It doesn’t, silly people. Mind your own business 😛
THANK YOU. <3
Thank YOU!
I’ve been thinking about this ever since you’ve posted it. My family is a very “au naturel” sort of family. They really only wear makeup to even things out, whereas I go full old-Hollywood with intense cat-eye and red lips pretty much on a daily basis. They’ve given up on trying to tell me to wear less makeup, and I’m glad. But it was on the forefront of my mind these past few weeks since you wrote this.
To me, makeup is a ritual. Makeup is a part of my morning routine, but it’s also a way for me to appreciate myself (in what seems on the surface like an oxymoronic way) and love myself. It’s become especially important to me as my anxiety becomes more of a problem. It also provides an extra boost to my confidence, as well as provides me with a method of expression. Makeup is an art as well as a type of therapy for me, and if someone was to tell me that I “didn’t need it”, it would feel to me as the equivalent of saying “you don’t really need those therapy sessions…
Thankfully, I currently live and work in a really open-minded and chill environment, and receive more compliments than anything else. But I worry about my soon entering into the “real” world (leaving grad school for the job market).
Thank you so much for this lovely comment, Sarah. I love how makeup is part of your self care, and I totally get that. What’s not lovely about soft brushes, pretty colours, and slow mastery of new techniques? One of the signs that somebody may be struggling with depression is often a lack of care for one’s appearance, and sometimes taking the time to get pretty feels like a bulwark against feeling awful.
Also, your makeup looks are so lovely! I creep you on Instagram and you have the 1950’s DOWN. I’m rather envious!
Who makes comments like this?? The only time I’ve ever said something like that to someone is to my very young daughter (who I’ve told can wear makeup once she gets to high school and learns how to apply it properly) and to friends who I’ve seen with and without makeup and who are truly gorgeous without it. I don’t think I’ve ever said “you don’t need it”, though, just that they were beautiful without makeup. I’m with you Marie. Sod off! It’s none of anybody’s business what I do or how I do it. I’m getting to the point where if someone feels so bold as to tell me how they feel about something I do in a derogatory manner, then I have the liberty of telling them exactly where they can stuff their opinion.
I’m not entirely sure, but there is one comment in this thread from somebody who is mad about this article—that might give some perspective? I haven’t quite figured out why she is mad, but she does wrap up with something to the tune of “sorry, but some people do look better without makeup” so… I dunno. I’m baffled.
Anyhow, I very much agree with your entire comment, but your closing sentiment is the best!
I saw her comment, was totally confused by the response, and almost commented back. She did not respond to your article, in my opinion. Instead, she veered to another topic in her head and responded to that. Her response doesn’t even make sense in context to your article whatsoever. I know people who do this in arguments. I call them diversion tactics. They throw out some point/rebuttal that’s completely off topic so they can make the discussion or argument about them. It annoys me when people do this. I was applauding your response to her.
Eh, hence my confusion lol. Glad it wasn’t just me!
Just looked down further and saw another commenter who I hadn’t read yet. I get her point. It’s about context, that I understand and it makes a valid point. I don’t usually make comments to people unless I’m friends with them. I will compliment acquaintances or strangers with generalized comments, I guess you could call them, but never pointed comments of “you could really stand to work out less” or ” your eyeliner is too much”. That is a little too personal and none of my business. I would only say something like that to a friend in an honest discussion. I would also expect my friend to reply to me just as honestly on how she felt about it, so it’s a two way street called “communication” (yes, I am being a little sarcastic here). I think some folks don’t feel like they can respond to comments like that but I personally have no problems with making honest responses. I really don’t understand why your article was so controversial. Do what you want to do, people! As long as you’re not hurting yourself or others, do what makes you happy and forget what other people say! Eat your egg salad! Wear your makeup! Run naked through the park! Ok, well, don’t do the last one unless you want to get arrested, but you get my drift.
Well… you could probably get away with the park thing in some parts of the world 😉 Or at Burning Man 😛
Well said!
Thank you, Jennifer!
Such a great post. I love your ability to stand up for yourself and other women. (I’m learning.) I have not had this particular instance happen, but I’m fed up with people thinking their opinion matters more than the person whom they are addressing. Power on with your beautiful-with-or-without-makeup face! Enjoy your egg salad!
Thank you so much, Natalie! I will definitely enjoy that egg salad 😀
Brilliant! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Thanks so much, Emma!
Perfectly said! If someone tells me I look better without makeup, they’re full of it! If it makes me feel more confident, then who cares about anyone else’s opinion anyway? I’m not ashamed to say I can cook, too! I refuse to let other women or men tell me which set of skills and interests are acceptable and which are not. That’s feminism.
Thanks, Lisa! Also, damn straight. As Emma Watson just said, “Feminism is about giving women choice. Feminism is not a stick with which to beat other women with. It’s about freedom, it’s about liberation, it’s about equality.”
You make so many well-articulated points here. I appreciate having the underlying message of these types of comments brought to light. Sometimes I wonder if people even listen to themselves when they talk. When my son was younger, people used to say, “Oh! You’re so thin!!!” And I always thought, gee, you wouldn’t say (I hope) to someone, ‘Oh! You’re so fat!’
So, yeah thanks for telling me. I didn’t realize I was thin (or fat) before you mentioned it.
Yes, absolutely! I was wondering why it was that remarks like this were getting under my skin, hence this sort of writing exercise essay sort of thing. People say dumb things, but I would hope if I ever paid a crappy non-compliment to somebody that I’d figure it out before I did it for years :/
Marie I can understand your discontent with some of the remarks made, I’ve experienced them in the past as well, usually centered around my weight (being too thin) and needing to gain weight. Neither true, I just work out a lot which has always brought me much joy. I also like creating face and body products, including makeup. My DIL is an esthetician (Sp?) and we share a lot of good info regarding makeup. However, I don’t take comments like the ones you’ve mentioned with any seriousness. I think most people who make remarks like those you spoke of are attempting to be complimentary, and if coming from Facebook “friends” are meaningless. There are far too many things going on in the world today to be concerned about than whether or not one looks better with or without makeup. If you are passionate about makeup, then it would be wise to subscribe to blogs like yours where you will find people interested in the same thing.
FYI, I’m an elder and I absolutely loved Amy Winehouse and her amazing hair and makeup.
I definitely agree that these remarks tend to have little weight on their own, but the cumulative effect of hearing them over and over and over has them weighing on my mind—more particularly, I was wondering why it bothers me to hear them, so I worked through that here. It’s a bit like being cat-called on the street. Once or twice and I think I must look nice that day, but incessantly, and I’m feeling threatened and disgusting. I generally don’t care if I’m wearing makeup or not, and if I look better or not—I just ask the same courtesy of the rest of the world!
Well said! Thank you 😀
Thanks, Selma!
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Brilliant! So well said and right to the point.
Thank you so much, Nancy!
Wonderful!! This is what it means to be a strong women.I am a girly girl and i kick ass.
Thanks, Jessica!
I love this article. Well said. I’ve rekindled my love affair with makeup after not wearing it for a decade. I felt like I was being fake if I did, somehow denying my own face. I was so wrong. It is so fun to play with. I do my makeup different every day, and it is such a joy. I love the process…and I still look like me!
Thanks so much, Nikki! I agree—it’s not fake, it’s fun!
I don’t wear makeup, was never very good at applying it so I gave up. The internet is such a wonderful way to reach out. What an age we live in! How great to type in a question and get answers at your fingertips, ideas, suggestions, youtube videos! However the question asked wasn’t should I or should I not wear makeup but was instead asking for resources to learn how to better apply makeup. Those other comments, opinions, types of responses don’t even answer the question that was asked! People like to comment, offer an opinion, I get that, but at least answer the question or just don’t comment at all. Great post. That is my comment, my opinion.
Thanks, Linda! What you’ve articulated about the remarks not even answering the question is one if the things that peeves me the most—such remarks never seem to come about as a result of a question of “should I or shouldn’t I?”, but just following a general mention of cosmetics. What a weird way to add a negative opinion to a conversation! Perhaps it’s somewhat similar to the much maligned stereotypical vegan: “I just had the great steak!” “Meat is murder!” 😛
You bring me great joy. Every post is always full of fun, great information, humor, and a true love of sharing what you’re learning with others. I think the above post was absolutely perfect. 🙂
Thank you so much, Layle!
You hit the nail on the head. At http://www.healthybeautyjunkie.com I try to help women look at the emotional and physical beauty they possess. You articulated the argument for ‘mind your own business’ very well.
I love your work and wish you well. Diane
Thanks, Diane! I love the message you are spreading as well—that’s the important stuff 🙂
Totally agree! I never really used a lot of make up, but mostly because I didn’t know how to apply, how to use it properly. Ever since you made that video where you showed us how to apply I have understood and since I have your wonderful book I have made a many things and love using them.
It doesn’t change me in a big way, just takes away some spots and things I am a bit self conscious about. I don’t mind to go without, but the texture of that self made make up is so lovely, why should I want to miss it.
Thank you again for sharing all your wonderful recipes with us. You put a lot of love and effort into it and it is very much appreciated.
Thank you so much, Danica! I really appreciate your thoughtful comment 🙂
Thank You, very well said 🙂
Thank you so much!
I love make up. It makes me look better. Sometimes a whole lot better and sometimes I botch it so bad that I’d best take it off and start over. But start over I shall.
I love it when my husband tells me I’m beautiful in the morning! Huh? I thank him and then wash up and sit with my colors and create a little -or a lot- of magic.
Used to take care of a sweet woman, age 104, who powdered and blushed her face every morning. And wore nylons and a dress every day. She waited, ready, for someone to come visit her. At 104, she pretty much outlived everyone in her life but was ready, her way, to greet any who came. I never told her she didn’t need make up when I hunted for the earrings she chose to wear that day.
Thanks, Cristie! I love this 🙂 And I love that we can create magic for ourselves and for fun!
I don’t usually write replies but this article made me mad on several levels.
I was born into a family with great genetics so I never really had to wear allot of makeup although I did. And I did for several reasons : I loved trying out current looks from Glamor Magazine, I liked annoying my father he hated makeup, lol and most important I simply love the texture, the look pretty much everything about it, and yes I wore way to much sometimes just because I liked it, and because I could. I’ve worked in the cosmetic industry for over 30 years and the comment “You look better with out it ” was not a demeaning term. It was a term applied to someone who was packing so much on there face when they did not need to, they were naturally pretty and yes those people do exist. And we have all seen that person an made the comment wow about how horrible there makeup job was they looked like a clown, to say you haven’t your a liar. It’s not a comment about your self esteem nor an attack on feminism. And more importantly it has nothing to do with drinking so the comparison there was way off for me thats the the part that made me angry. The term is quite the opposite , it was a compliment telling you that your beautiful with or without it. Makeup was created to inhance what you already have. The only time I ever found the comment to be sarcastic was from someone who hated make-up. How something is said does make a difference. Make up can be broken down by the people who wear it. Some woman like full on make up head to toe coverage, some only doing there nails is all they like that’s their makeup some just lipstick and mascara, everyone is different. I’ve done all kinds of make up over the years and the thing I find is that it’s the user that creates too much or too little or just right, based on there knowledge. My daughter and I laughed so hard the other day we seen this girl on Pinterest mapping out st least 2-4 hours worth of contouring and full on makeup to the point she no longer looked like herself , she looked beautiful, job well done but she no longer resembled herself. She was pretty to start with. Then I felt sad, although I admired the work she did . I laughed because I thought wow I could never take that much time an effort in before I went out the door, not for any other reason. Today I find makeup is done to the point the people no longer resemble what they started with, it makes me sad because they were beautiful to start with now they look like someone else, they get lost in that illusion, and that does affect your self esteem. When you can’t go out your front door without 10 hours worth of makeup on yes there is a problem. I grew up during the start of feminism and I can assure you allot of those ladies didn’t spend hours on makeup. The movement is be strong be brave, go against the norm, most importantly be YOURSELF ! Are you true to yourself when your no longer recognizable? Sooner or later make up comes off are you happy with what you started with? Are you wearing what makes you look great and enhances your look, going against the 10 hour norm ? And sorry some people do look better with less.
Honestly, I’ve thought about this comment for months, and I still can’t figure out why you’re mad. Here’s what I’ve got:
Yup. Don’t get it.
You’ve articulated this so well! Thank you, from all of us who haven’t been able to put this into words. 🙂
It really is so frustrating when I put on some pretty makeup, and then my feeling happy about it is interrupted by someone telling me that I look better without it, or that makeup cheapens my natural beauty… Not cool!
On the other side, I’ve had friends who looked great with or without makeup, but would make comments about how gross they looked without it. Whenever someone starts making comments about how their eyes look tiny and piggish, or their lips look too small, or anything else isn’t good enough without makeup, I will NOT stand for it. I just hope I don’t get too aggressive with the pep talks… Besides, if you have pig-eyes, you can rock those pig-eyes! Pig-eyes can be awesome, too! Don’t let anybody tell you that your pig-eyes aren’t good enough!
Thanks, Anastasia! I definitely agree that we should always just aim to build one another up—if a lady loves her liner, let her love it, but if she hates something about herself, let’s not stand for that haha. Love dem piggy eyes!
Amazing rant Marie! I love makeup and have done so for about 40 years. I hate people who tell me I don’t need it – it’s not about the ‘need’, it’s about the desire to look the best I can for me, not for my husband (although he appreciates it), not for my kids, not for anyone else, just for me.
My Dad always used to say ‘powder and paint makes her what she ain’t’ to which I would reply ‘isn’t that’s the point’. Even though he didn’t think I needed makeup he never made me feel bad for wearing it. I knew he was only teasing.
Yes, there have been times in my life where my self esteem was low but I didn’t use makeup to cover up my feelings – I don’t even know how you’d do that. There’s not enough makeup in the world to make you disappear which is often what you feel you want when you have low self esteem.
Now that I’m in my 50s and much more comfortable within my own skin, I wear just as much makeup as always. I still observe what others are wearing and try new things because it’s a passion.
By the way, I made my first recipe (mineral makeup powder) from your wonderful book this week and it is amazing. It stays on well and has amazing coverage. Better than anything I’ve purchased. Thank you so much.
Thanks, Carol! You are so correct about makeup not covering up low self esteem or feeling poorly; it can help, but in the same way wearing your favourite shoes does. It’s superficial, sure, but it’s something, and why is that a bad thing!?
Also, I am beyond thrilled with your results with my mineral makeup recipe! Wahoo!!! How did the colour blending go for you?
It was really easy. I was worried because my yellow oxide hadn’t arrived yet so I used red only – 2 of the tiniest 64th teaspoons and it was perfect but I’m extremely fair skinned. This weekend my daughter and I are going to tackle everything we want to make. I’ve got all my ingredients (which took a bit of research – Zen Designs was great for most, then crossing of fingers to get the rest into New Zealand – TKB were wise enough to call them ‘pigments’ on the customs forms and they arrived no trouble). I’m just waiting for all my jars and tubes to arrive (ordered today) then we’re all set. So very excited. Thank you so much for putting together your amazing book. It’s almost stuck to me at the moment – I can’t seem to put it down.
Yay! I am so glad! And I’m so glad you were still able to get the ingredients in NZ; I tried to be very conscious of making sure everything was relatively available (being in Canada I am no stranger to not being able to get things easily!), but sometimes when you find a rare ingredient that works and there’s no workaround… argh! 😛 Thank you so much for buying my book and commenting and being awesome!
Right on Marie! I share your feelings about this subject and while I’m not trying to be a “Debbie Downer”those kind of asshat compliments get worse when you get older. I’ve just started to experiment with my hair and makeup, rejigging it from how I’ve looked for the past 20 years. I love being blonde (bleached/toned of course) and using makeup I’ve eithe made myself or purchased, trying a new look or two. It’s a lot of fun but these are the comments I’ve gotten: “Just copying the kids eh?” “Why are you trying to fool people with trying look younger?” “You’re only kidding yourself y’know”. It’s so disheartening and cruel at times. But I won’t give them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve hurt my feelings. I just keep on, keeping on!
Peace & Love
Ugh, I can imagine. Thank you so much for sharing your experience—what is wrong with people?! What on earth would possess somebody to think those are appropriate things to say to someone? Yuck. I’m sure you look dashing, and it sounds like you have tons of fun with it, so they can go stuff it where the sun don’t shine LOL.
Gee Marie, thanks for the big ole’ freggin controversy. lmao.
I had no idea it was one! LOL. What’s so controversial about “let people do what makes them happy”?! 😛
As a non-makeup wearing person, may I point out that just as bad as the “you don’t need makeup” comments are the unsolicited offers to teach makeup techniques. Makeup is a choice, and we should respect the choices others make. I choose an extra 20 minutes of sleep.
Oh ABSOLUTELY! That is also appallingly rude. Seriously, who says things like that?! Unless the conversation is already about how much you love somebody’s amazing winged liner, I can’t see how this would be a decent thing to say, any more than “Hey, let me teach you how to make a nice salad since you look a bit chubby”. Eesh.
I just had to comment on this one. I don’t rock makeup on the daily. I choose other things in the morning, but I spend time watching youtube makeup tutorials, mixing homemade lippies, and reading about beauty products. I have a good collection of makeup but I rarely wear it. When I do, I am absolutely going full-glam, don’t-look-like-myself, contour-highlight-madness, full face. Very rarely will I use makeup for a “no-makeup look” because if I wanted to look like I am not wearing makeup then I don’t wear makeup. I get told with or without a full face that I don’t need makeup, and my response is always I know, but it’s fun to play with. The only person who can tell me I don’t need makeup is my hubby. And he has told me a few times that I do need makeup (looking like death from a cold and had an interview). For every other opinion about my naked face? Thanks but I know. 🙂
Thanks, Crystal! You’re right, makeup is a great (and fun) toy—I love the challenge of application and all the variations and magical things that can be achieved with it!
You go girl! I love it! I especially love “Feminism is about women being able to make their own decisions and having equal opportunities”. Don’t know where the negative link between makeup and feminism initially came from but we should remember that makeup was around long before feminism. Good Queen Bess was using it 400 years before feminism; heck the Egyptians were using it back in 5000 BC and I’m quite positive it had nothing to do with low self-esteem or feminism. Makeup is a personal choice not a public opinion. Kudos Marie!
This is such a good point! Humans have been painting their faces forever, and for a great part of that history, men were in on it, too.
Wearing makeup is an individual choice that, as women, we’re lucky to have. As a mom of teenage boys, and an aunt of teenage girls, I saw how hard it is for boys to deal with acne without coverup cream and makeup. My nieces could hide it and look beautiful and my sons would just stress about it. Now they’re older and they grow beards to hide it. lol
Goodness, this is so true! My male friends have definitely expressed similar sentiments. I know one fellow who is into trying drag makeup every now and then and apparently disguising one’s beard shadow is an art in and of itself!
Thanks for a good article about this subject. One of my peeves is a guy telling a woman, “You look better with makeup”. When one asshat said this to my friend, she replied, “So do you”. We both laughed and laughed at him.
Oh LORDY LOL. If “you don’t need makeup” is a crap compliment, “you look better with makeup” is pretty much a straight-up insult. GEEZ. Do these people even think before opening their mouths?
Ok.
So it has taken me since you posted this article until today to reply. Let me first say, this is a fantastic and brilliant and for me, a truly deep thought provoking post. Probably the most thought provoking post I’ve ever read of yours. And I’ve read probably your whole blog. More than once.
I have to admit, I fall into the group of people who actually did say that people look better without makeup on. And I never once said those words from a place other than as a kindness.
In high school. I had the stash of stuff for my face. Powders, liquid foundations, various colours and puberty. I’m an early riser and my morning would be packed with things I had to do because I went to bed early because I always wake early and had three sisters to compete for the shower, the bathroom, the mirror… It would be a mad rush to try to apply something to my face… only to have it fall off an hour or so later. During my high school years, I watched girls play with makeup and again try to cover their skin issues. And again, have to look at their badly applied makeup. Then had to listen to friends who did spend the hours in front of a mirror complain of being tired, not having enough time in the morning for breakfast, blah blah blah then complain about headaches from lack of food and being tired… They truly did not like my comments of, “stop complaining. You have enough time to put your makeup on, but no time to sleep or eat.” And I hated it on two levels. 1) I have to look at the face of people who badly apply makeup and that I found annoying and 2) I had to listen to people complain who spent hours in front of their mirror each morning as that was more important to them than things like sleep and food. One? I could get past. Two? That I couldn’t get past. (Same with high heels. If you choose to wear them, fine and dandy. Just don’t complain to me at all about aches and pains!)
Yeah, my stash of fleshy coloured powders and colours went quickly to the rubbish bin as I just didn’t have the time to put anything on, I may not sleep a lot, but I do like my sleep!
Fast forward again… somewhere along the line I seemed to have demonised makeup as it being the cause for lots of skin issues and that natural skin is better.
Then I met your blog. And while I was still under the impression that “natural is best!” “it’s the only way!” “preservative free is the only way to go!” parade, I began to actually learn more about the skin. When you first began posting about DIY makeup, I was against it. And then you began posting often about various makeup projects, I have to admit I was a little turned off as I didn’t like makeup because makeup was the devil! It was evil. I actually had thoughts that I should stop reading your blog as it seemed it was all about makeup. But then you’d post something awesome and it was grand. And then I actually told myself to shut up and try one of your makeup recipes before I unsubscribed. I think it was a lipstick was the first makeup recipe I tried from your blog.
Can we just say, life changer? Then I tried pretty much all the makeup recipes from the blog and book and realised I loved loved loved making them, but wearing them? Pffft. My skin seems to eat everything I put on it (not including lipsticks and mascara for some reason and I am never without a lipstick or gloss on any more).
I never once thought about how my words, “you look better without makeup” could be taken negatively until you pointed it out. The biggest reason it took me this long to reply, is I had to learn how I say it and to whom I say it to. It turns out, that I always said it to 1) the people who apply it so it is obvious they are wearing makeup 2) heavy handed appliers 3) people wearing it to cover up skin issues that were blatantly obvious where the skin really just needed time to breathe and correct itself 4) those annoying (insert a negative stream of words here) people who complain that they are tired, never have enough time then talk about how long it takes them to put their faces on.
Your analogies of things we would never think about saying, are actually spot on. Here in China, the way you look is always on display and people do comment on everything. Saying things like, “You should wear a dress”, “You should wear makeup then you will be more beautiful”, “You are too fat,” “You shouldn’t laugh so loud”, “You shouldn’t smile so everyone can see your teeth”, “You should wear high heels because then you would be beautiful”, “You should colour your hair yellow because white people need to have yellow hair”. And there are hundreds worse than these. These past couple of months had me reflecting that if I get angry having people make these types of rude comments towards me, my words of, “You look better without it” aren’t being taken from the place of kindness and good intent as they are meant either. Afterall, aren’t these comments made towards my physical appearance being made in the same light? They are coming from a place of kindness, I’m the one not taking them as such.
I love it when I read something that has me thinking about it for months at a time to see how and why I do something. Thank you for writing this post!
Thank you so much for this wonderfully thoughtful reply, Penny! I had wondered why I hadn’t heard from you on this one yet 🙂 I love your analogies and I completely understand where you are coming from (and I’d never think you’d say such a thing from anywhere but kindness! I think most people do!). I certainly can’t argue that not everybody applies makeup artfully, and it can be hard not to notice assorted makeup “sins” when you’re in tune to that sort of thing. As you said, though, that’s true for most everything, be it clothing or hairstyle or whatever, and anything other than outright complimentary comments on any of those things are typically not well received haha.
I’m happy to have provoked some pondering! I always appreciate your input 🙂
Marie! Thank you so much for this.
I recently started wearing makeup for the first time in over a decade, after being with a man who shamed me every time I so much as looked at a tube of lip gloss. It was my way of saying “I’m my own person now, you micromanaging douchekabob!” It felt amazing.
So of course… I got an intervention from a well-meaning friend. She told me I didn’t need makeup and that I was already “cute.” First of all? I hate that word. Makes me feel like a bunny. I’ve had it thrown at me more times than I can count, always as a consolation prize for not being beautiful in the user’s eyes. When I wear lip gloss, I don’t feel like a fluffy animal. I feel like a gorgeous, glamorous, grown-ass lady who does things her own way, douchekabobs of the world be damned.
Second of all? It was pretty clear from my FB ramblings that this was an act of self-expression, not low self-esteem. I’m an artsy person by nature, drawn to bright colors, so of course I’ll want to wear my favorite shade of maroon on my lips. Even more so if I can make it!
And while I acknowledge that with time and practice, we can derive a lot of our self-esteem from our own self-perception, the doubts I have about my looks certainly aren’t helped by backhanded compliments that suggest I should be sitting on a Cadbury egg in an Easter basket. 😛
Thanks so much, Sarah! I am officially adding “douchekabob” to my vocabulary (we often say “douchecanoe” up here), and I heartily agree with your feelings on “cute”. My puppy is cute, my printed socks can be cute, but it’s a pretty low-bar “compliment” for a grown-ass lady! Lippie lovers of the world, unite!
I couldn’t agree more! Personally, I don’t appreciate it. Either tell me I’m beautiful or keep your thoughts to yourself, but don’t police me. Makeup is an art form, an expressive outlet and I’m not asking for opinions or doing it out of insecurity. It’s not flattering to be policed as a 25 year old woman who knows what she’s doing. I think it’s a little patronizing and infantilizing, this is what someone might tell a 12 year old going through puberty but hearing this as a grown adult woman rubs me the wrong way. I don’t take it as a compliment, I just get majorly peeved.
YES! Add on to all of that the whole “are you sick? You don’t look ok…” response you can get from the same people when you don’t wear any makeup and just AGGGGGGH lol. Leave me and my lipstick to our own devices.